How do I find the right Psychotherapist for me?
I was starting to dread going to my psychotherapy sessions and I had begun to resent having to pay her to feel bad. After several weeks I shared this feeling with her and, rather than becoming defensive, angry or hurt, she was able to sit with me and to think through what was happening for me. Why had psychotherapy suddenly become so hard to bear? How was I perceiving her? Was there anything that she had said or done that had made me resent her in some way? Simply being able to feel my feelings, to communicate them to her and for her to think about them without taking it as a personal attack brought instant relief and insight.
As well as ensuring that any counsellor or psychotherapist you start therapy with belongs to a professional body, such as the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) or the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), it is also worth weighing up whether you think you might be able to bring your awkward or uncomfortable feelings to your therapist as I did with mine. Admittedly, this can be hard to know until the situation arises, and there is every possibility that your view of your potential psychotherapist may be clouded by previous relationships, but it is worth holding that question in mind when choosing your psychotherapist. Do I think that he/she would be able to handle me at my worst?
When choosing a counsellor or psychotherapist here are a few things to bear in mind.
Accreditation
There are a number of professional bodies that have been established in order to regulate the standard of training and practice of counsellors, psychotherapists and psychologists and to ensure that they are abiding by a specific code of ethics. Each professional body will have their own guidelines and membership of these bodies are voluntary and not a legal requirement. I have mentioned BACP and UKCP but there are many more and it is worth researching which professional body your potential counsellor or psychotherapist belongs to. Legally anyone can set themselves up as a counsellor, regardless of whether they have had the relevant training or undergone their own therapy. Always check that your potential counsellor or therapist has undergone a legitimate form of training and has been registered or accredited by a respected member organisation.
Personality fit
There needs to be a balance between a counsellor or psychotherapist who makes you feel safe enough to share things you may never have spoken about (stay away from professionals who seem overly judgemental), but also a willingness to gently challenge you. It can be tempting to be drawn to a psychotherapist who agrees with everything you say and always sees the best in you. Whilst it’s important to feel that your therapist cares about you and accepts you as you are, that also involves you and your psychotherapist being able to think about your darker aspects or the parts you might play in conflictual situations. Everyone has parts of the self that we may consider rageful, jealous or vengeful. Sometimes it can be helpful to have a psychotherapist that can recognise those parts in us too and find a way to kindly draw attention to them and speak about them.
I always recommend having an initial consultation with more than one counsellor or psychotherapist in order to find the best fit for you.
Boundaries
I have heard too many horror stories about psychotherapists or counsellors exploiting their vulnerable clients in various ways, blurring boundaries and causing psychological harm. Counsellors becoming overly involved and controlling over their client’s life decisions or not taking payment but instead becoming ‘friends’ and asking clients to clean the house or walk the dog in place of a fee. Some counselling sessions have rolled on for an undetermined amount of time, lasting hours or being cut short. Some counsellors or psychotherapists have used the counselling session to talk excessively about themselves, perhaps boasting about their own lives or sharing their own problems. Your psychotherapy or counselling should be clearly boundaried. It should be clear what payment is and how it should be made, the sessions should be purely about you and there should never be a blurring into friendship or romantic relationships. Professionals who are clear about their boundaries from the beginning serve to make us feel safe and more able to open up.
Theoretical Fit
Are you curious about the unconscious? Do you have a sense that our childhoods help to shape us? Are you curious about this? If you would prefer to stay away from exploring past memories, psychodynamic psychotherapy might not be for you. Similarly, if you like the idea of something quite structured, possibly with homework tasks assigned, something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might be better suited to you. Taking some time to find out your potential psychotherapist’s theoretical background may help you to choose the right professional for you.
Ultimately, the therapeutic relationship is the key to progress in counselling or psychotherapy. When choosing your professional some things you might like to ask yourself are:
· Do I feel safe in the knowledge that this person belongs to a professional body and has had adequate training?
· Could I imagine myself sharing my fears, shameful moments, darkest thoughts with this person?
· Do I think this person will be able to stay with me, think about what might be going on if I were to be angry, annoyed or hurt by them?
· Is this person clear about how sessions will be and what expectations are?
· Does this person seem to have a clear understanding and grounding in a theoretical stance, whether that be psychodynamic, humanist, cognitive or behavioural schools of thought? Does their theoretical stance feel like a good fit for me?
If you are curious about your own unconscious, how your childhood may have influenced how you feel about yourself and others and you are keen to explore this with a psychodynamic psychotherapist, or if you have any other questions about psychodynamic psychotherapy, contact me here: contact